Blood Moons of the Apocalypse!

The sun will be turned to darkness

and the moon to blood

before the coming of the great and dreadful day of the Lord.

–          Joel 2:31, King James Bible

This coming April 15th is not only Tax Day, it is the day of a lunar eclipse known as a blood moon. A blood moon occurs when the Sun and the moon are separated by the Earth and the sun’s light is distorted by the Earth’s atmosphere to make the moon appear blood red. And it might just be the start of the beginning of the End of the World.

“April 15th is the first of four blood moons.” Cyrus Lee Hancock, reverend for Church of John the Revelator outside of Nashville, explains. “Four lunar eclipses in a row of pure 110% blood moon. That is what science-geeks call a ‘tetrad’ and it is what I call a sign from God. Not just a sign from God – a ‘stop’ sign. As in ‘stop and take a look around’ sign. As in ‘stop and get your shit together’ kind of sign.”

Signs may point to the End, but Cyrus Lee Hancock assures this is a time to rejoice. “Which side of the road are you going to be on when God separates the lambs from the goats?”

Strangely enough, Cyrus Lee Hancock’s revelations are backed by SCIENCE.

Even NASA agrees having a tetrad of blood moon is a rarity. From the year 1600 until 1900 there wasn’t a single foursome of blood moons. Now we have four straight blood moons and the stakes have never been higher.”

Not only is Cyrus Lee Hancock backed by SCIENCE, but HISTORY, “Or ‘his’ story, as I like to call it. And that is a ‘His’ with a capital ‘H’ like Jesus’s middle name.”

The History he refers to is that surrounding the previous tetrads in 1492, 1948 and 1967. During these periods, the four blood moons fell on Jewish feast days of Passover or Sukkot. In 1492, the Jewish captain Columbus discovered America. In 1948, Israel was born as a new state. In 1967, Jerusalem by Israel was captured in the 6-Day War, uniting the Holy City with the Nation of Israel for the first time since the Romans fucked everything up. (BT-dubz, thanks again ROME…)

“Two similarities is a coincidence. Three similarities is a conspiracy. Four blood moons is a the end of the world as we know it.”

What will come over the next year and a half?

“Only God above knows. All we can do down here is preach the word and celebrate His good name.”

The celebration begins this April 15th at Sticky Spoon Saloon for Cyrus Lee Hancock’s “Baptism by Fireball!” Every one of the four blood moons, Cyrus Lee plans a different festival to rejoice in the coming of a new era.

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April 15th, 2014 – “Baptism by Fireball!” in Nashville, Tennessee

October 8th, 2014 – “Sacrificial Mutton and Pig-Roast” in Fayetteville, Arkansas

April 4th, 2015 – “Fertility of the Last Spring on Earth” in Branson, Missouri

September 28th, 2015 – “Rapture” destination unknown and by invitation only.

If you predict the “Rapture” party of the Fourth of the Four Blood Moons will be held on some secret military compound where Cyrus Lee Hancock and his crew will be preparing for the certain Apocalypse, you are absolutely correct. I have my invitation. Do you? Where will you be when they separate the lambs from the goats?

– “Brother” Rufus Holdsworth, reporting for the TRUTH

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Cyrus Lee Hancock’s Ethics of the Apocalypse

Cyrus Lee Hancock has been criticized for his bleak outlook on humanity and his dire warnings against “humane activity” post-cataclysm. Critics fear CLH’s methods will inspire bloodshed at the slightest slowdown of the internet, let alone an actual disaster event. Certainly, Cyrus Lee’s “Know Thy Neighbor Cartography” (where you plot out a map of your neighborhood prior to an emergency situation to designate potential targets who: might be aggressive, might have valuable resources, might want to procreate with your wife or might have a wife you want to procreate with) seems rather intense preparation for hurricane season. Yet, preparation is the key to survival. And survival… is all there is. If that seems wrong to you, well, Cyrus Lee would say you have a dangerous amount of morality in your code of ethics.

I, Rufus Holdsworth, am no professor of ethics, but I do have access to the internet which is the next best thing. This is my attempt to rationalize Cyrus Lee Hancock’s Apocalyptic Code of Ethics.

When it comes to ethics, there is Kant, the godfather of deontological ethics where all seems to be black & white when it comes to morality. With Kant’s deontological ethics, lying is always wrong. In contrast, you have consequential theory, where lying could be right if the consequences prove to be true. Lastly, there is Aristotle’s virtue ethics, which cares neither of Kant’s absolutes or the potential consequences of actions, but rather in the virtue of the actor. A simple example is the question of honesty… the Kantian would be honest because he was told to be honest by principal while the Consequentialist would be honest because he is afraid of the consequences of lying, but the Aristotlian would be honest because he is an honest man and honesty is a virtue.

Obviously, Cyrus Lee Hancock is a disciple of Aristotle. Of sorts…

Kant’s rigid sense of reason has no place in a chaotic post-apocalyptic world. When zombies are approaching, “do unto others…” doesn’t exactly jive. After a polar shift leaves the land desolate and empty of resources and your neighbor knocks on your door with his quintuplets in tow asking if you have any drinking water, “thy shall not lie” is not going to better your chances of survival.

Consequentialism is flawed and leads to contradictory thoughts, “I should help dear old mum, though she is slowing us down… and the desperate highway men, if they catch us will surely have their way with her, poor old gal… so I should kill her and eat her and then my belly will be full… but then cannibalism will look so poorly on my dating profile… so I shouldn’t kill her, but then we will be slow and the highway men will eat her and I will remain hungry as I watch her pleasured by their greasy hands… but if I eat her, then…” In a post-apocalyptic world, trying to imagine the possible consequences will only drive you to indecision.

Jet-Skis have limited value at the End of the World

Jet-Skis have limited value at the End of the World

The ethics of virtue is the way of the survivalist. Of course, Aristotle thought charity and benevolence to be a virtue, so we much first acknowledge that virtue is all relative given the circumstance. Virtue is considered to be moral excellence by Wikipedia. In a world of chaos, however, morality is quite the misshapen monstrosity of what it once was. So what is virtue in the world of the maniac and the desperate?

According to Cyrus Lee Hancock, apocalyptic virtue is survival excellence.

Survival of the self, survival of the group, survival of the species – in that order. Survival is the ultimate virtue when shit hits the fan.

Scenario: your cruise ship wrecked against a small Bahamian island. Passengers are struggling to find their way to the life boats. You happen to come across a gassed-up jet-ski. What do you do?

  • The Kantian – would ride around collecting the feeble swimmers and lead them to safety because of some inane sense of duty.
  • The Consequentialist – would drown while trying to figure out which ends would justify the means of saving only the damsels in bikinis.
  • The Virtue of Survival-ist – would realize there wouldn’t be enough drinking water to save all of the stranded and would leave the disaster area and ride that jet-ski to Bimini.

Scenario: you are leaving the office when an earthquake strikes, leaving you stranded in an elevator with a pregnant woman. Help arrives, but there is only time to save one…

  • The Kantian – would elevate the pregnant woman to safety out of some inane concept of ‘women and children first’
  • The Consequentialist – would elevate the pregnant woman to safety because he is afraid of looking like a dick.
  • The Virtue of Survival-ist – would elevate the pregnant woman to safety because he knocked her up in the first place, so at least his legacy will live on.

Scenario: you are king of your post-apocalypse tree fortress and your chief ranger brings back two enemy tribal warriors as prisoner. They are a charming young brother & sister duo who are foaming with discontent. What do you do with them?

  • The Kantian – ‘eye for an eye’ you disembowel them as their leader disemboweled your favored falcon.
  • The Consequentialist – you let them go, fearing retribution from their tribe.
  • The Virtue of Survival-ist – you fornicate with the sister as the brother watches then you end his misery by hanging him from a nearby branch and then do good with the sister by adding her to your harem.

Last Year Lost, Time to Dust Off Cyrus Lee Hancock’s Survival Guide

So you have found yourself here…

It is a strange drum-circle that beat out this webpage. Don’t think I am to blame! I am the new guy in town, a little road-weary and confused by my surroundings like a baby deer crossing the off-ramp to a truck stop. Allow me to introduce you to me: I am Rufus “Brother Rufus” Holdsworth and I am the new lead author for Cyrus Lee Hancock’s Hurricane Survival Guide.

First things relatively first – you should know I am a gnostic, an adventurer in infinite pursuit of knowledge for the sake of my own salvation. I seek out books, not for their truths, but for their words. There are no ultimate truths, I believe, only perceptions on what is and what shall never be (to quote Mister Led Zeppelin). These words of mine will eventually be a part of a book; a book not of truths, but of perceptions of what to do to prepare your mind, body and soul for a cataclysmic event. What makes me qualified? Well, I once made love to a weatherman and when I was done I ate his heart and inherited his power, which makes me a meteorologist through helter-skelter osmosis by way of Cleveland.

Frightened yet? You damn well should be! Hurricane preparedness is no laughing matter.

Secondly, I probably need to tell you what happened to chapter 2013.

Last we heard from our protagonists, Cyrus Lee Hancock and his lovely wife, Layla Santana Crow, were preparing for the long winter’s nap that was the Maya 2012 Apocalypse. While the rest of the survivalist cult, OASIS, slept, CLH and LSC slipped off into the ether. The Mayan end-date of 12/21/2012 passed with the only whimper being that baby deer at the truck stop. The members of OASIS were ironically peeved to find no great cataclysm had occurred, despite all of the paranoid literature they read, despite all of the evangelical double-speak coming out of panhandling pseudo-priests and in spite of the terrible movie with John Cusack I mock here and now without ever having watched any more than the trailer.

Our Fearless Leader, Cyrus Lee Hancock, hanging on the side of a helicopter ever so daringly to capture himself in a "selfie"

Our Fearless Leader, Cyrus Lee Hancock, hanging on the side of a helicopter ever so daringly to capture himself in a “selfie”

The members of OASIS woke up within the safe confines of the Hancock compound only to find their host missing and their hostess even more so and for there to be an eviction notice on the front gate of the outer walls of the fortress and for the financial coffers to be completely empty of all the gold bullion they had invested their savings into. Ding-dong, that is the IRS at the door.

Sweet Layla and one of the poor savages she helped at the Viking orphanage in Costa Rica

Sweet Layla and one of the poor savages she helped at the Viking orphanage in Costa Rica

Prior to the anticlimactic Maya Doomsday, there was a falling out with former lead writer of the Ultimate Guide of Hurricane Whatever, Vic Neverman. Vic’s belligerent drunken rambles in late January 2013 are evident that the man feared Cyrus Lee Hancock. What brought an end to the relationship, we cannot be certain. What we can tell from the trail of breadcrumbs that are Vic Neverman’s spooked-speak is that by May of 2013, Cyrus Lee Hancock was on the lam from the IRS and hiding out in Nepal. His wife had also fled the country for an orphanage in Costa Rica.

By late 2013, Cyrus Lee Hancock returned to the United States and found refuge in Tennessee where he was under some sort of protection against the IRS. This may be where Cyrus Lee currently resides. In October, Vic was recruited by Cyrus Lee to drive the Hancock truck to Nashville and join the Hancockian circus of an evangelical mission designed to save the souls of sinning heathens in time for… wait for it… the Apocalypse (Sound familiar?). A month later, Layla Santana Crow is back in the picture as Vic’s insider into mysterious Illuminati puppet-handling of Hip Hop and the rest of the music industry. While Cyrus Lee and Layla were hiding from the authorities in their own corners of the world, it seems Vic was simultaneously chasing his fortune in the Amazon.

That is the past and it is passed. Let us continue to the present. At present, Cyrus Lee Hancock has naked photos of me and someone else (not saying it is Kate Middleton, but I am not not saying it is either). These are pictures, if revealed, could cost me my nipples and earn me a pair of cement shoes and a one-way trip to the bottom of the pond. So let us just suppose I am working for Cyrus Lee Hancock to finish his masterpiece vision, the Ultimate Survival Guide of Hurricane Preparation!

Let us begin… (or at least wait until my deadline when I will definitely consider beginning)

Rejoice! Cyrus Lee Hancock left his Sherpa pals in Nepal and has returned to the United States!

Rejoice! Cyrus Lee Hancock left his Sherpa pals in Nepal and has returned to the United States!

Fresh off the Presses – an Article on Cyrus Lee and his Survival Camp

Consider this a re-blog of sorts. Courtesy of Diego Johnson, Wekiva Springs Tattler

Wilderness Mayhem: Summer Camp for Survivors

-Diego Johnson, Wekiva Springs Tattler

OVIDEO, FL In a quiet, unassuming suburb near the malls and tourist paradises of Orlando Florida exists a ranch surrounded by a wall of bamboo pikes and… “Oviedo” says Cyrus Lee Hancock, owner and resident of this secluded hideaway. That’s what I said, Ovideo. “No, it’s Oviedo, not Ovideo.” Well, we agree to disagree. Obviously, my interview with the notorious survivalist was not off to the best start. Still, professional that I am with my online degree from GoDaddy.com, I persisted forward…

Cyrus Lee Hancock stands deviously gargantuan at 7’5” tall, with pretty hazel eyes and tattoos littering his mocha skin with images of frog legs and incandescent light-bulbs. “I have no idea what the f—k you are talking about” my host says, “I am 5’11”. My tattooes, f—cking forget it. You know your way out.”

And so ended my face-to-face interview with the leather-skinned survivalist, Cyrus Lee Hancock. Yet persistent old school journalist I am, calling back memories of Ernie Hemingway’s days slinging print at the Kansas City Star, I dug in my bootstraps and conducted the rest of the email via interview. The rest are my findings!

The five double-u’s of journalism are Who, What, When, Why and Whatever.

The “who” is easily answered: Cyrus Lee Hancock is a resident of Ovideo (some say Ovideo), FL, where he runs a survivalist camp where corporations send their top notch A-1 staff to learn how to do more survivally stuff. “No.” Cyrus Lee Hancock responded through email. “I do not teach them how to use a copying machine. I teach them how to de-salinize seawater, how to gut a raccoon and how to best your neighbor in hand-to-hand combat.” Ha! I laughed at Cyrus Lee Hancock. Little does he know my neighbor doesn’t have any hands due to a misfortunate microwave mishap. “F—king Christ, what is wrong with you?” Cyrus Lee Hancock admitted his ignorance.

The “what” is the wilderness camp where Cyrus Lee Hancock teaches feral children how to shave and bathe themselves. “No, that is incorrect.” Cyrus Lee Hancock presented his mission statement. “I am hired by people to teach them how to survive in extreme environments. Feral children speak the language of birds and literally have no money. They are not paying customers.” Ha! I laughed at Cyrus Lee Hancock. Little does he know of the feral children who live beneath my baseboards whom I feed corncobs and fruitcake. “Oh, I know.” Says he.

The “when” is the future, when Jesus comes and raptures the chosen and leaves the sinners behind to behave the likes of Satan and his Legion. “I am not sure what you are talking about.” Cyrus Lee Hancock agrees. “Cataclysms can come at any time. Superstorm Sandy is a great example of how nature can take man by surprise. There could also be solar flares or nuclear weapon detonation.”  Yet when I ask the survivalist expert when he expects Jesus to arrive, he dodges the question, “If I knew that, I would certainly not be telling a f—king d—chebag like you.”

The “why” is to usher in the thousand years of peace and champion Christ as his Lord and Savior. Cyrus Lee Hancock added, “I never said that. What the f—k are you talking about?” Cyrus Lee Hancock went on to address the need for woolen sweaters incase the Devil’s insistence on global warming was a false-flag event to just confuse us into thinking it is swimsuit season. “I really don’t believe in a Devil, per se.” Cyrus Lee Hancock elaborated. “I believe in evil. I believe in recognizing evil, even if it is in your next door neighbor. And I believe in neutralizing evil. Even if it is your next door neighbor. Yeah, so Merry Christmas, but I have no idea what you are talking about with wool sweaters.”

Lastly, Cyrus Lee Hancock’s “whatever” can be summed up best by the motto of his camp, “Make Ever Drop of Blood Count” which is Latin for “May Jesus watch over me and forgive me my sins”. I asked Cyrus Lee Hancock what most inspires him about Jesus. “I… uh, dunno. I guess that he got out while the getting out was good. I mean, he was Jewish and I really am not sure what that is like, but I am sure he was good at it. Good at carpentry and stuff.” Indeed.

So if you are ever in Ovideo (or “Oviedo” as the locals call it) and need the warm embrace of a man who has grenades and machine gun clips attached to his belt, look no further than the welcome confines of the Cyrus Lee Hancock Compound.

Kangaroo Attack!!!

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Chapter 7: Beasts Part 15 – Kangaroo Attack!!! Aaron, our protagonist for this scenario, never quite liked the Australians living next door. They were obnoxiously loud as they made fun of American Football’s insistence on safety gear. “Nothing’s harder than a bloke’s head!” Bruce would bellow before smashing an empty can of beer against his […]

How to Deliver a Baby in an Elevator During a Hurricane

Chapter 42: Delivering a Baby While Trapped in an Elevator There is a scenario, and it is such: You’ve done your Doom-Prep research, yet you lack the finances, real estate or resolve to build yourself an indestructible hurricane bunker the ghosts of Hannibal’s elephants would shirk from. Out of Africa stirs a storm and within […]

RABIES! Hair of the Dog that Bit You

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Cyrus Lee Hancock’s Ultimate Hurricane Survival Guide Chapter 47: Rabies Do you have a headache? Are you experiencing weakness or general discomfort? Do you feel anxious, confused, excited…? If so, you might have rabies. “Rabies?” You sound startled. You stand there post-storm, chain-sawing the oak that took a dive into your swimming pool when Hurricane […]